One foolish kiss

I had to catch a train to Manchester for my evening out with Judy,Julian dropped me off at the train station before he returned to his flat, he knew I was going for a meal with my Internet friend, I reassured him there was nothing to fear, I couldn't possibly feel an attraction for a transvestite and was hoping to start a good friendship with a kindred spirit and fellow academic. Anyway she always made me laugh and I spent too much time alone.
Sitting in the car, looking at his tall slouched frame, Julian looked uncertain "I know we haven't been together long but take care of yourself Tillie"
Looking at him, I thought him very sweet and I felt sorry for him, i felt no sense of obligation or duty. We had told each other we loved each other, but in hindsight, I was desperate to be loved and this is not the same as actually loving someone.
He looked worried and he was not alone in his concerns, another good friend was utterly convinced, that the slut with nuts would be a tranny-nutter and I would end up dismembered and scattered across town in bin bags, my head left in Moss Side and my arse in Didsbury. The very suggestion made me laugh, albeit nervously.

Once aboard the train, I applied basic make up to the best of my ability and kept running my hands over the pink and brown satin of my new demure Monsoon dress. My new heels pinching and quite precarious for a girl more accustomed to diesel dyke flatties than harlot's heels. I just wanted to feel pretty. I felt ridiculous really.
My mobile rang, i listened to a well spoken softened scouse accent.
"Hi Doll, it's Judy here, we are all here in the flat waiting for you, dinners on, I'm just going to text the address to you, let me know when you arrive?"
"OK then, will do, byeee"
I hung up, and my blood ran cold.. who was in the flat?, what flat? I felt a surge of fear, as my heartbeat increased, the dread gave me a subversive surge of adrenalin. It seemed dangerous, which in turn seemed delicious.

Standing on the Concourse of Piccidilly Station, I looked at the address of the flat, 365 The Atrium, I was unfamiliar with Manchester and wondered if they were private or council flats. I phoned Judy:
"Hi Hun,it's me, I've arrived, is The Atrium far?"
"It's ten minutes walk, go to the rank get a cab and I'll pay for it Tillie"
I declined, "I'll walk Judy, it's ok"
"That's my girl" She said- I detected something paternal in her approval.

Walking down Whitworth Street, I felt awkward in the new heels as if I was morphing into a women I no longer knew and where nothing is ever as it really seems.

I stood on the corner of Princess Street, looking for the flats, I felt disorientated surrounded by the large red brick Victorian buildings, ornate arched doorways and hundreds of windows, provided me with no clues.
My phone rang through the noise of the traffic
Judy
"Oh I can see you doll! your standing by the lights ina pretty dress... cross over, it's the first turning on the left, look for the black wrought iron gates!"
I glanced up at the building opposite, I saw no one, just windows black in the glare of the late efternoon sun, all unseeing , Judy had sounded excited and girlish. I took a deep breath for courage, I had stopped smoking two months earlier and could have eaten a pouch of tobacco.
It materialised that The Atrium was a rather swish block of self contained apartments, it was clean, modern, with a high ceilinged well lit foyer...I hesitated to approach reception, I felt like a hooker. A door swung open and an attractive woman, in a short ruched black dress, her high heels clacking on the tiles and black fishnets walked towards me, her long dark blond hair seemingly perfect, she was toned and fit:
"Hello Doll, we finally meet, sorry but I'm nervous as hell, always was a bit highly strung."
Her gaze absorbed the length of my body as if assessing me. The glance of a man.
Her smile revealed clean white teeth, her pinked lips, glossed and slightly irregular, we stood perfectly eye to eye...
"C'mon Tillie, follow me, I'll introduce you to the girls"

In the lift, mirrors, gave a varied perspective, and she glanced from the mirror to me, as if satisfied that a girl should be wth her, yet also reflected back at her. we exchanged small talk, our eye contact flickered, like a mutual fascination. "Your lovelier than your photos suggest" she said "Likewise" I replied,
"Ah but I'm all smoke and mirrors, you're the real deal Tillie."

She tapped gently on the door of the apartment.
A beautiful black haired, slender transvestite with a narrow face and dark eyes, greeted us, she smiled warmly, she wore a high waisted tightly tailored back pencil skirt and demure black satin blouse. Judy introduced us:
"Josie - Tillie"
"Tillie - Josie"
We shook hands, grinning.
I felt Judy's hand on the arch of my back, she steered me into the main room, Josie walked over to the kitchenette and continued chopping vegetables....
Sitting at the dinner table were two other t-girls - they were immaculate and well spoken. Judy sat next to me and offered me a glass of red wine, I craved it, I was feeling shy and unsure what as going to happen. one of the quieter girls, Linda, young and classy in an elegant blue beaded dress, opened her handbag and said "This blooming thing has been really puzzling me" I expected some bizarre object d'art, but it was a purple plastic sex toy with an array of probes that would baffle even the most liberated in these matters. Judy looked at me and apologised under her breath, I must have been blushing or emanated discomfort. As the girls debated how best to use the toy, I was aware that Judy's chair was so close her hip was touching mine.
She held my hand "Can I transform you?" she said
Josie interrupted - "Please do, Tillie looks like a librarian, I think she could be very hot" Judy noodded subtly in agreement - "In fact, young lady you can help me settle something that has been annoying me"
Judy topped up my glass.
"OK" I said
"Sort her make up out will you" instructed Josie.
I was led into the bathroom and placing her hands on my shoulder - she guided me to sit on the loo "Look up at me then close your eyes Tillie".
As she applied the sweet smelling make up to my face, she talked about her childhood in liverpool, making funny little quips that made me giggle. "now where's that lip liner?"
I kept my eyes closed and could feel her breath soft against my face, I was excited.
"You have such a kissable mouth Tillie"
I felt desired. I felt like a traitor.
Josie tapped on the door, calling out:
"Chop chop you two I need Tillie in the bedroom"
Josie, shoo shoed Judy away
"Right you, you look like a size 10, am I right or am I right?"
"you're right"
"KK, I ordered this bondage dress and the bloody shop is telling me their range of fetish clothes are designed for cross dressers, there's no way that's true, i'm a ten and my shoulders are busting the seams.... go on then strip off and let's see how it fits, I need this settled once and for all"
i looked at her blankly
I had no pants on under my tights
"I won't look - promise" She smiled
"Oh fuck it alright then" I sighed
I slipped out of my Monsoon dress and slipped the red bondage dress over my head, it fitted perfectly
"I bloody well knew it and it's unfair you look so much sexier in it Tillie!"

With that she yanked me into the living room
The girls looked up at me, open mouthed
"Well well" said Linda "I would hardly recognise you"
Photographs followed with Judy teaching me how to pout and pose (such a t-girl skill). I was getting drunker and starting to laugh at the absurd situation I was in.
I topped up my glass, I was engrossed in conversation with Judy and the music was seeming louder and her voice quieter, I leaned forward straining to hear her (I later discovered that the quiet talking technique is a pulling trick in Liverpool), She tipped my chin with the tip of her index finger and kissed me on the mouth, I felt like I was looking into my own eyes, she rested her forehead briefly to mine
"This mind merging experiment could go horribly wrong my dear" I said
And returned her kiss. her fingers sought out the soft fine hair on the nape of my neck and if I had been told we were in the company of others, I would sworn there was only us, on one singular orbit.
I asked the time, Julian was meeting me off the 10.30 train,
Some one replied it was 10.19
I paniced
I could not miss the last train
I rapidly changed and fled but in my addled confusion lost Judy in the corridor and only just made the last train.

I was destined to be in big trouble!
The next day, Julian hacked into my Facebook to check up on me and there read my apology to Judy for being so impolite at the table in front of her friends and for the inappropriate kiss. Julian's jealousy matching all the devilment we had not got up to. It was to be an irreversible ending, I did not want a boyfriend who checked up on me and he would never believe that it was less than I described it. It was too soon for me to have an inkling of what the Hell I wanted but the fun I had that night made me see I did not want this.

Forced renewings

This blog marks the first anniversary of my relationship with a male to female transwoman. Angela. But firstly I need to explain how I got to this extraordinary point in my life.
I am a 45 year old woman of Northern heritage... I have been around the block and come back again, full circle.

Life can be very unpredictable can't it? In 2007 I was living the life that many others merely dreamed of, in a coastal Nirvana, my career was progressing well, I ran two Internet businesses that were booming, in a warm, well equipped home, suited and booted in West Sussex with the Captain of the Cricket Club. A life that many women can only fantasize about. We had a beautiful baby boy and the sex was boring but acceptable.

Then everyone's nightmare comes home to roost and pulls away all the veils from the lies and rot, necrotic beneath the shimmering facade of suburban success. Unfaithfulness, unpaid bills, huge debts hidden from me, lies about business trips that were in fact golfing holidays, and when asked "Why?" he became defensive and violent. I was afraid when I was confronted by the skeletons in his closet.

Finally I left, I had to consider leaving, I had my children to consider and my own sanity. When your lying on the kitchen floor with a man hurling abuse at you and a child stands in the door and says "Please stop shouting Daddy" It's time to leave. I in time relocated from my chocolate box dream to a situation where I had to make a whole new start. It was going to be tough my options were limited. My brother had committed suicide in 2006 and I was extremely depressed and unsure about the point of living, it was just my children that kept me alive, I did not want to leave them a legacy of guilt and despair.

My first marriage had been to an immature Irish guy, very arrogant and cocky, I had given it a go after I got pregnant on a one night stand. I wish I had never seen this man, it will always be a regret I could have been so stupid to marry someone I did not like even standing next to. I was an active feminist, who before falling pregnant had got a Masters Degree from Trinity College Dublin. I was an occasional lesbian: I should have stayed within the women's community. This marriage also declined into violence and his drug abuse was the final straw.

My heterosexuality has been completely eroded by machismo and male aggression. In 2008 in my new home in Cheshire, with my three children, my sexuality was bewildered and very aware of the dangers of vanilla men, the desire was sometimes there but not the trust or belief.


Glimmering like a beacon in the darkest night was a light in the trans community, little did I know but a whole world full of cross dressing men, t-girls and transwomen was waiting for me to reinforce them and yet be reinforced in return. Tears and intense joy lay ahead. I was in for one hell of a trip.