Saturday, 26 December 2009

Forced renewings

This blog marks the first anniversary of my relationship with a male to female transwoman. Angela. But firstly I need to explain how I got to this extraordinary point in my life.
I am a 45 year old woman of Northern heritage... I have been around the block and come back again, full circle.

Life can be very unpredictable can't it? In 2007 I was living the life that many others merely dreamed of, in a coastal Nirvana, my career was progressing well, I ran two Internet businesses that were booming, in a warm, well equipped home, suited and booted in West Sussex with the Captain of the Cricket Club. A life that many women can only fantasize about. We had a beautiful baby boy and the sex was boring but acceptable.

Then everyone's nightmare comes home to roost and pulls away all the veils from the lies and rot, necrotic beneath the shimmering facade of suburban success. Unfaithfulness, unpaid bills, huge debts hidden from me, lies about business trips that were in fact golfing holidays, and when asked "Why?" he became defensive and violent. I was afraid when I was confronted by the skeletons in his closet.

Finally I left, I had to consider leaving, I had my children to consider and my own sanity. When your lying on the kitchen floor with a man hurling abuse at you and a child stands in the door and says "Please stop shouting Daddy" It's time to leave. I in time relocated from my chocolate box dream to a situation where I had to make a whole new start. It was going to be tough my options were limited. My brother had committed suicide in 2006 and I was extremely depressed and unsure about the point of living, it was just my children that kept me alive, I did not want to leave them a legacy of guilt and despair.

My first marriage had been to an immature Irish guy, very arrogant and cocky, I had given it a go after I got pregnant on a one night stand. I wish I had never seen this man, it will always be a regret I could have been so stupid to marry someone I did not like even standing next to. I was an active feminist, who before falling pregnant had got a Masters Degree from Trinity College Dublin. I was an occasional lesbian: I should have stayed within the women's community. This marriage also declined into violence and his drug abuse was the final straw.

My heterosexuality has been completely eroded by machismo and male aggression. In 2008 in my new home in Cheshire, with my three children, my sexuality was bewildered and very aware of the dangers of vanilla men, the desire was sometimes there but not the trust or belief.

Glimmering like a beacon in the darkest night was a light in the trans community, little did I know but a whole world full of cross dressing men, t-girls and transwomen was waiting for me to reinforce them and yet be reinforced in return. Tears and intense joy lay ahead. I was in for one hell of a trip.

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