Sunday, 14 March 2010


I loathe being maudlin, it's a trait I remain wary of. I'm a stoic public school girl, it's alien for me to say "I feel sad"... I'm more likely to say "Let's get on with it, it can only get better". My upper lip is so stiff it's becoming a shelved smile.

It's not unusual, to close your eyes and dream a dream, to paint a fantasy in the cave of your mind, articulate perfect moments, want happiness, what ever you thought happiness was... When I was alone in Cheshire with the kids, skint, I would habitually close my eyes and drift to my silked Angela in her penthouse, my sanctuary from Gas Bills, a persistant lawn, dysfunctional lightbulbs, I would want to be with her and be warm,and caccooned. It was briefly possible, it seemed futureless. I was wrong... but I wanted to be patient and not have God hand me my fantasy with a scarlet letter.

Never was love so bittersweet. My family is scattered and love is going to remould itself into something I never fantasised of, something I never thought possible.


  1. I can really relate to this. I'm still where you were, just dreaming the dream, but I love to read about where your life has gone from that point ... it helps my dreams. :-)

  2. I long ago learned not to dream until I had the means for that dream right smack in front of me (or, as in the cirrent case, in my bank account).

    But dreasm can come true...


  3. yes, chase your dreams cos your dreams ain't gonna chase you my loves. xxxxx