Thursday, 18 March 2010

An Open Letter

Dear Angela,

Well this is it.... a future I never thought possible and didn't even bother hoping for. Us living together, waking up everyday, me tidying up after you, you crazy untidy floozie! And I swam to you through the terrible tears of having the kids taken without my consent. Hard hard times eh hun?... but a time for reckoning too.

We met as two people who had been really disappointed and who were reluctant to break the fearful cycle with the words "I love you". We pussyfooted around... but couldn't keep apart, despite a bleak vision of not being together, we fought for it. You thought you had once married the most beautiful girl in the world who accepted your femme nature.... not to be - sadly she couldn't deal with it. I thought after ten years me and the Captain were going to grow old together, I loved him but he loved me less. Thank God Angela that we met and started to mend each other.

I am so sad that my bright meteorite Judy vanished into a silent distant horizon and that a friendship is impossible. But perhaps we both knew that I would have married her/him if he had not already been married. You knew I loved her. We met in the wrong dimension and Angela we built a friendship so strong it became a bond strong enough to build a future on. That's my life, happy -sad- happy- sad. Thank you Angela for wanting me to see clearly what I refused to see.

I am taking stock
A new era begins.
I wish I knew where the kids were so we could talk - I have had enough messages to know they are ok but I need to speak to them myself.
Am I permitted real happiness?
Angela I hope that we can heal our lives and smile again.

I'm stone in love with you and no bullies, doubters, or bigots will stop me from being free with you.
There have been times of slow meandering waters that shaped my Self, there have been wild times like riding white water... I don't know how I survived...all these rivers swept me to you, I will make you happy, in still waters we will remember, I have no regrets.


  1. You are right; this is it - the manifestation of human spirit - where, against all the odds both personal and statistical, you may have just discovered your winning lottery ticket. Whatever the numbers are, you will be a winner Tillie.

    For me, from a very early age I had been in a dark maze and I had never been able to find the way out. I trusted everyone, hoping someone who knew the way would help, but there was no exit and really I should stop being embarrassing and make do with my lot and just live in the twilight. So the darkness was all around waiting to close in, sometimes it was darker than others - but I knew there was light outside and I wanted to feel the sun before I died.

    49 years on I was still running along a long narrow passage, still crying with pain, my legs tired still saying you won't get there. Even the branches of the maze slap me telling me it was an impossible horizon to reach - just accept this is as far as you go. Don't be stupid. You live here in the darkness.

    The real truth is I have never really cared about life. Death would really have been a nice out. Consequently I have been very reckless indeed - anything to take the pain of miserable unhappiness away. But unfortunately I am a fighter and nothing else took that decision for me so I just kept running.

    Then something happened, I came to a gate marking the end of the passage. I had not seen a gate before and passing through it, it closed behind me with such a thud I knew it would never open again.

    It was much warmer and lighter here. Walking on the horizon started to become closer and as the darkness began to fade away I realised that there was another passage next to mine and I could just see someone inside. It was a girl, a nice warm innocent girl who didn't understand how to get out of her dark maze, and like me, she was stuck. Her name was Tillie. She was so innocent it was lovely - I was awestruck - she certainly did not deserve to be in the darkness. She did not even know she was locked in. I decided to help her - I told her the way to the door. I know I was very scary for her but she wandered off alone in the dark to go and find her way out. That took strength.

    So I restarted my journey full of hope and the passion for a life of possibilities. The smell of the sun was drawing me like a strong magnet and with each step the darkness was reducing. I was feeling happiness, a feeling that burnt it's smile onto my heart, but I was missing my friend.

    Then something wonderful happened, I heard Tillie's voice from behind the wall, she had found her door and a few steps further on there was a gap where we finally saw each other for the first time. We had both changed a lot. The sun of life was good. The past was fading and the future, like some magical serum was making us glow. We were happy but the rules of the maze meant that we could not share the same path as we walked. It was a tantalising torment talking through the wall until the next gap but it made the journey exciting. We both drank in the elixir of life.

    Daily now I was getting closer to the end of my passage and I could smell the sea and sand of a warm beach. Finally when it happened the daylight was almost overwhelming and a cried tears of joy and pain as Tilley's passage ended with a locked door which she could not open.

    It was bitter sweet paradox. I had discovered the way out of my maze, but in so doing I had become trapped. I knew I could not leave Tillie on her own.

    So that then was our life, I would go and explore everywhere and come and tell Tillie all about it. It was very hard for her. Although she had the sand under her feet and sun on her face she could not escape the reality of her cage for long.

    Time passed and we made plans for me to live on the beach next to her cage. I had finished exploring - the beach was not very interesting really - compared to being with Tilley.

  2. Then something happened which readers will know about. I am a realist. I know that this has created a buried wound that sometime in the future will surface and be very, very sore, no matter how much Tillie denies this. But it did dissolve the cage and like a caged animal suddenly freed into the wild, Tillie can't believe the chains really are gone and that she can walk to my open arms. But once she started walking she started running, each step increasing the joy of freedom.

    So I am here with tears of joy waiting for my Tillie to arrive, still not able to believe that the cage has suddenly disappeared and knowing that my life long struggle could have just paid off. I am not deluded though, there are a lot of external things to try and de-rail us but there is one thing I know, whatever happens in the future I am starting my new life with my best friend as my partner.

    I love you Tillie. xxx