Tuesday, 23 February 2010

No more drama

I wrote this poem on Jan 6th this year.


I thought my mother was building a pergola
but as all knowledgable mothers do endure to do
It is a crucifix she fusses over
and tutting over her barbed crown
"What a blasted nuisance
dammit the fiddly thing
She is going to martyr herself on the patio
freshly weeded
She told me so
"Hold the ladder
and shut your mouth"
And in her field of scolds
She thrashes against the ropes
of her own suffrence.
She screams "Why me?"
barbed and chic in THORNS.

My eldest children have been taken away from me by their concerned father as my mother has filled him with horror stories of my perverted love for a transexual and false stories of me abandoning them.


Mum was banging on the door at 9am this morning, I lay on the sofa and waited for her to go away, I am fearful I will physically assault her.
This morning at 9.21 I have a message on my ansaphone
"Tillie, please will come down to the house, I know I've told some lies over the last few days, I put my hands up to that, what we need is an interim residency order, we need to go and see my lawyer and we can get the children BACK...."
I hung up the phone at that point and stood laughing and crying... yesterday their Stepmother stood in my house and looked on as I put my kids clothes into bin bags, and I knew that her life was now going to be unbelievably difficult, she will be the only breadwinner in her house with 6 people to feed. I could see in her eyes her pain.

My mother through her hideous exaggerations has torn apart my family, will push my ex-husbands wife to the limit, hurt all my children....my head is in angry turmoil... but I have had enough. I am going to walk away, leave the kids with their Dad, I know he will love them and I am going to take this chance to go into proper recovery for my late night drinking and heal my life once and for all. I want NO MORE DRAMA, I WANT PEACE. I WANT THE CHILDREN TO HAVE STABILITY. I am 20 miles away from them and can feel their pain, I do not want them pulled from pillar to post, my mother is dangerous, we are all going to walk away. There is no making amends. There is no more forgiveness. I am not going to through another custody battle. We all need quiet and to feel safe.

I hate drama, lies, shouting, name calling, I've known too much of it.
When asked what I wanted to be truly happy, it was always the same thing, an older me in bed reading the The Sunday Times and Angela beside me (obviously having made me a cup of tea), knowing the children were safe and happy. I have no interest in money, investments, flash holidays, it means nothing to me, my idea of happiness is inner tranquility and to be with those I love.

My Mum has repeated this pattern all her life, she abandoned her mixed up truculent teenage son with a broken leg in a huge unfurnished mansion in the early seventies and then never spoke to him for over 35 years, she said he was trouble...I don't know how he was trouble, he spent his life avoiding her, his warning to me was the same each time I saw him, "avoid her, she is dangerous and relishes in other peoples suffering, she takes joy in punishing others, she was sadistic to us as children and she is sadistic to you as an adult". I have a horrible memory of my mother, I would have been around 6 or 7, my brother is sitting on the sofa crying and I am lying on my belly on the floor, she is telling us both to shut up, I am in terrible pain as she is digging a verruca out of the bottom of my foot with a darning needle, she trying to get the root out, she has been doing this nightly for several days, she is torturing me. My brother is made to watch. She is a nurse and knows best. She was vicious.

This scene haunted my brother his entire life, and he never forgave her for our childhood. After his suicide, she started to play the pained mother, and talks with great love of him, she is a hypocrite.
My children actively avoid her, we all know she is volatile and not to be trusted. I am very very tired of her. I feel she has abused me my entire life and what she has done now is the final act of sadism against me and my children.

I am going to start a new life with my five year old son and go .
I am walking away.
I cannot write anymore, I'm tired.
I did this fight once before, endless court cases, turmoil, the cycle stops here.
There is a beautiful beach somewhere and I am going to teach my wonderful son, my heartbeat, to fly a kite.
No more drama.

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