Thursday, 4 February 2010

Not keeping mum

It was just about the final frontier in coming clean, despite being together for 12 months, I had never told My Mum that my partner was a trans m2F individual, a transsexual, transgendered, a woman, whatever the title, it seemed safer and less emotionally risky to tell her the truth of the matter.
My mother has a history of volatile and cruel behaviour, and I dreaded her furious "bigoted" response more than being disinherited. Please bear in mind her pet name for me in front of kids is "whore". Every time I go away she quips about me earning some money on my back. I'm sure you get the picture!

So, lets set the scene, it's my daughter's birthday and being car less I needed to get a lift from my sleepy village to the nearest town to get a birthday cake for her... My mother offered to give me a lift. I was to go round to the Bungalow of Hate and she'd run me into town. As regular readers will know, I have three kids, my eldest boy of 13 has Asperger's (a mild autistic syndrome) but holds his own in mainstream school. mum gives him a lift most morning to school, especially in the winter months.

She says "Josh seems unhappy about something, but he won't tell me and i can't put my finger on it, he says he wants to live with me and you might move to Newcastle? What is it with this Adam guy that's unsettling Josh?"
I got defensive and said it was private and any problems in the house were there well before Adam came on the scene and were to do with my struggle with alcohol and depression and nothing to do with Adam's behaviour. I sang Angela's praises but in her male gender, I had a horrible sinking feeling, sitting in her comfy, axminstered living room, and every time I said Adam or he, it felt like a lie and I knew that my secrecy was forcing the kids to live a lie, there is such a direct connection between innocent secrets and nasty lies.
I felt sick and tired of the dishonesty, swallowed hard and made a huge decision! This was my moment. I was going to grasp it.

We chatted on about the children's schooling and behaviour and I interrupted her:
"OK, I'm going to come clean here"
"Oh Good well I know alot about this ADAM!" she snapped in an accusatory jab
"Oh good, well I don't need to tell you then do I" I was being drawn into defensive mood to her her arrogance "Go on then Mum tell me what you know?"
Mum looked sheepish and arrogant and started suggesting that Adam was cruel to me and the kids in a vague, second guessing kind of way.
"OK Mum can I stop you now and speak without being interrupted, you need to listen to me very closely. Adam is a name only you use" She looked puzzled.
"When I met Adam we struck up a very honest and trusting relationship, and several months in we realised that she was a transgendered person, a woman living in a man's body" Mum looked rather startled at this point!
"Did you know that my partner is in fact a person who everyone calls Angela?"
"No" she admitted.
"I had a choice Mum, when we realised she would have to make moves to become a woman, I could either walk away and leave her on her own or stay beside her and continue to love her... I chose the latter Mum, and the decision was not an easy one, as I knew the kids might have to deal with stigma, but we have tried to be honest and to protect them as much as we can"

The ensuing conversation went well, with all the expected questions
"Will she have the big op?"
"Does she live as a woman all the time?"
"What does her mother and daughter think?"
"Does she have male sexual desires?"
and rather touchingly "Does she have similar friends who she can talk to about this"

She was clearly taken aback but seemed to accept it (i am expecting colossal fall out at a future date) and she did end the conversation saying, "don't move I have every faith you'll find your self a lovely fella".
Well Rome wasn't built in a day
and apart from her maniac laughter and hollers of ""lesbian" as she tried to reverse her yellow Countryman over me when I was unloading the shopping the great admittance went well really..........

hhhhhmmmm-------- watch this space! by the end of the day I got feedback from my son that in the car she insuniuated to Joshua my son "that she felt the whole Angela scenario was very wrong and just not right".
I sense an agenda.... the drama of life is determined to go on.


  1. Gosh...!! Do we share the same mother?!!
    Certainly sounds like it.

    Good luck Tillie.

    You will need to be strong, as I sense there is a LOT of flak going to come your way from her.


  2. Hmm that sounds just like my ex-mother in law.
    She has never let her daughter grow up ,always has an opionion and no-one is good enough for her.
    I never realised some of the stuff you gone through.and you are still here you get my support for that alone(i have had first hand experince of alcolhlism myself as well)