Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Birthday celebrations and life's deliberations

It was my 46th birthday on Saturday night and it was arranged that a gang of us would hook up in The Gay Village in Manchester and trip the light fantastic and indulge in some fine dining. Lots of my TV girlfriends were coming along and it was going to be a well needed break from bickering kids, domestic boredom and late night dipsomania.

The day got off to a poor start with me getting fractious and annoyed with my ex husband (Baldprick) on my doorstep. This was my first husband and the only guy I married, it was only due to the fact I got pregnant that I married him. He is the biggest mistake I ever made, after having the kids he evolved into a violent weed smoking pervert who was unable to hold down a job. The only good thing to come out of it was the children.

It had been planned that Angela, myself and the four children (3 of mine, 1 of hers) would enjoy Holy Holly Day in Nantwich which is a very noisy and exciting re-enactment of a battle from the English Civil War and then on for Cake and Ice Cream in a local cafe. The children were all up early and excited! Anyway Baldprick turned up without prior warning, he had not been to see them for two weeks, and is always late, to take my two eldest children out (and to prepare them their Holy Communion in the Summer) and would not relent despite it being my birthday and neither of the children wanting to go with him. Despite my daughter's tears of disappointment, he demanded he take them. I am tired of my 11 year old daughter feeling traumatised about seeing her father and think I will seek legal advice. I should not hate him so intensely but he is an aggressive arrogant little Napoleon. After he left I felt agitated and angry with myself for letting this jerk rattle my cage. It makes me start seeking revenge and engenders feelings in me that I deplore in others. I know this seems vengeful and dark but my hatred and loathing of him is so deep seated I cannot shake it.

Anyway, Angela decided that we would head off at noon with the two youngest children and make the most of it. It was very enjoyable being together, and her boy disguise was nothing short of genius, even with her natural, sandy blond, long hair, pierced ears, smooth face and painted finger nails she looks quite boyish. I'll always love that boy in her, somehow it makes her completely perfect as a human being, so many polars drawn together, male to female, straight to gay, drawn into my beautiful girlfriend, she is many contradictions yet a magnetizing unison to me. My Prism.

Johnny animal, 20 stone of babysitter, was duly recruited, knowing that whilst Angie and I were out clubbing the kids and Johnnie would all be having fun playing video games and eating junk.

We drove to Manchester and were in high spirits, I was feeling a lot of love, optimism and very secure, both of us boppy and upbeat despite tiredness and our loss of sexual activity in recent weeks (Angie has been taking hormones as she starts her physical transition to be a woman). We were being boisterous and playful in our room in The Ibis and generally wrestling and teasing one another,liking each other a lot. A loss of the sex has been replaced by increased affection and sensuality. The sense of fun remaining. Although if her habit of chucking cold water at me in the shower persists I will deploy battle type strategies to thoroughly soak her when she least expects it!!! Tillie Warmbath ain't going to be Tillie Coldbath and rollover!

Angela picked a short youthful black satin Lipsy dress with killer black velvet heels.
I wore a more mature 1940's Pillarbox red A-line Chiffon dress that showed my curves and made the most of the fact my weight has increased after numerous over indulgences with Angela (oh those Nachos are soooo good) and my increased penchant for red wine (slurp slurp yeah). Joking aside I know I have some pronounced dependencies right now but all will fall back into place when I return to work.

The evening started well, with a delicious meal in the wonderful Villagios washed down with several glasses of Pinot Grigio. The conversation was mercurial and witty in the company of JaneG, Abicat, and Louise, three of my favourite people and all trans in one way or another. (I'll post a pic later if I can). I was totally happy with those I loved, and was delighted to get a gift of beads from the girls to add to my burgeoning bead collection. Thank you ladies. I felt special and Angela looked beautiful as usual. The terrific teeny trans girls from North Wales rolled in, with an air of expensive cologne and exquisite girlish dress sense, all of them young and looking a million dollars... "I am so jealous of their youth" commentated Angela, and I saw in her a rare regret that she could not have been her true self when she was younger. Anyway the hours for dancing were looming and we were keen despite our arthritic inclinations and sensitive dispositions!

I did not see it coming but Tillie had a tantrum looming that was born of several niggles that had been accumulating in recent times.

After the meal we decided to go for a dance and some more drinks. Me and the girls went into View, a spacious and young venue which is predominantly frequented by young dykes, the atmosphere is young and lively, standing on a balcony overlooking the dance floor, I watched a sea of young girls having great time, I felt too old to be there and a touch uncomfortable... I became aware in the corner of the room, a middle aged woman signaling and grinning at Angela, summoning her to come over, this is not unusual behaviour in the village as Real Women always make a fuss of the transvestites, requesting to have their picture taken with them, as they see it novel and amusing. Angela, checked with me subtly and went over, I watched Angela, laughing and giggling whispering into the woman' ear, her face close to the woman's hair, flirting, one of my friends said to me "What the hell is she playing at?" Several times Angela, came over to me, telling me she loved me and asking for me "permission" to flirt on, I felt really unhappy, it was something I have frequently seen her do. From a distance I watched a group of young girls taking pictures of my TV pals and Angela, she was loving the attention, all drunk laughing at the hilarity of the siutation, one of the group asked me to take pictures but not to join them. I find it annoying that my friends are a tourist attrtaction, or freaks to most of these girls, a bit of cross dressed totty to spice up the evening's pissed up piccies. My girlfriend is not a transvestite, she is transitioning to become a woman in her own right, I am living a more complex life so she can be free, I do this willingly as I love her and no other, but feel annoyed when others treat her like a novelty. Angela is a champion flirt and I felt disprespected and unattractive.

I won't go one but I threw my cards on the table and told Angie, how I felt and became hard nosed and bitchy, I was hurt and felt the heavy weight of all our trans issues bearing down on me. She was sorry and earnest in her apologies and we talked late into the night thrashing out the issues that were so upsetting to me, for me to feel secure and to accept that her flirting is based on a desperate need to be ONE OF THE GIRLS and not to actually bed any of the girls. Old insecurites in both of us die hard. I love her and do not wish her to change from the crazy party girl that I fell for. Sorry hun.

1 comment:

  1. Tillie..

    What an enjoyable blog!!

    Why did I not find this earlier?