Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Shifting Sands

Things are changing between me and Angela, from our constant assertions that living 200 miles apart suits our "lifestyles" it is now increasingly difficult to say goodbye when we do part. I crave her at night and for all the love I have for my children, I have a separate more sensual love for her. It's surely not a weakness to miss someone and admit you seek their love and approval? We have decided we need to breach the gap between us and at some point I will yet again relocate... this is a huge life changing decision, but one thing is for sure, this time I am not taking a risk and this time I am not going to screw up.

Angela and I have been exploring options, looking at houses online that would be suitable for me rent in Newcastle upon Tyne. This is a step that needs to be taken as we want to be together as much as possible. It is agreed that we will not live together, this is my choice as I feel my three children would put too much strain on our relationship. I would move tomorrow, but I seem to be the perpetual nomad I have been moving all my life and with the exception of moving to Ireland to study, I always move for love. This time I need to weigh up all the pro's and con's see whether I can afford to pay rent etc, see whether my own irrationality will yet again cost me. I am guilty of being impulsive, I was diagnosed with ADD in my late twenties and need to step back and THINK.

My eldest boy, is reluctant to move, he has Asperger's Syndrome and dislikes change, we only moved two years ago from Sussex and he has been through a lot of upheaval. It's a toughie. He says he likes his school here and that he will make me happy, he is concerned his friends will discover his mother is involved in a queer relationship with a transsexual, after only recently learning how to dispel bullies he fears my emotional choices will yet again thrust him back into a Lion's Den of humiliation and bias. (He tells me he is not homophobic, but if he intimates this to his peers he will be skinned). He could live with his Nana and carry on with his studies but my 13 year old son wants me to stay here with him and wait another four years till I move (when he plans to go to Uni). This hurts but whatever I decide it will be a sacrifice either way. Loving Angela makes me feel like a selfish parent. I am not sure how to address this. I love everyone concerned. I have told Josh that no concrete decision needs to be made until late summer.


I am repeating an old pattern, I can see it, I am yet again moving for love, is this going to be the last time, where I finally meet someone who is not going to turn into a violent controlling bully? I am not motivated by money I just seek basic levels of love and happiness. I feel afraid of fucking up. I'm not sure. Angela has spent 12 months struggling to find feelings of love and now she is transitioning these emotions seem to be surfacing... what if it is the hormones affecting her emotionally. What if I am not really loved? For now I cannot risk it. I need to see Angela through her transition then, we can decide.

Honesty is a painful thing I have learnt but preferable to the heartache of deception and denials.
I need to be patient
Listen to my head and not follow my heart.
Me and the children deserve acceptance, love and security,
as does Angela.

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