Sunday, 17 January 2010

Zapping Mama!

There was I bored and skint, last Thursday, feeling morose to say the least ! Ah poor Tillie-No-Mates! Anyway Angela suggested a sponsored trip to hers, I was to organise the babysitter and jump on the affectionately called Trans Pennine Sexpress- she would treat me to a little Rest and Relaxation with her in the penthouse! So after a quick call to Nan to take my youngest and my babysitter the caring adn reliable Uncle Ernie aka Johnnie Animal, albeit ex LSD and ecstasy fiend and occasional hedonist for my eldest Hobbits, I was all set to be on my way. The plan being that I would kill two birds with one stone, as Angie's boobs are growing nicely now and and are in urgent need of de-fluffing with her Intense Pulse Light Machine. I could zap all her inaccessible places (and I am referring to her back and not her bollocks before you get carried away) I'm more than happy with her imminent breast development - but hairy mammaries, NO way!

Last Summer Angie went to great time and expense to buy a state of the art IPL machine. as she had been flying from Newcastle upon Tyne to Southampton to have her beard treated by this remarkable laser therapy. it was very very expensive, especially with the additional hotel and travels costs. Although never one to miss an opportunity she would combine the trips with a chance to explore the new magical world of a born again Angela....clubbing and exploring the nightclubs of the South Coast. Hence to save the time and cash she bought her own IPL machine - it would pay for itself and would be a nice little business opportunity when she was smooth all over!

There's nothing like the smell of burning hair and stale dandruff to have Angela and I brimming with optimism for the future.

So we had a very rewarding albeit hurty session on Saturday where, goggles on and Angela prostrated on her blue treatment coach i would smear her with ultrasound gel and get to work, I feel no apprehension in inflicting the pain of it on her as I know she longs to be feminine and hairless. It's such fun, in my huge green goggles, high heels, yellow bikini, laser in hand, to feel like the beauty therapist from Hell!

It was a special two days, of connecting and looking to the future together and look at ways to start a business opportunities. On the journey up to my private Nirvana with Angela I had met two enthusiastic guys on their way back from a business conference where they had been planning the UK launch of a new eco friendly health product MOnvaVie that was a Multi Level Marketing opportunity. I was interested in this antioxidant drink (made from Acai berries) as normally with businesses chances like this they are normally well established in your country so you cannot get high enough up in the tree to really financially benefit from the distributors you recruit and the products like Herbal life aren't that hot. I decided to arrange a meeting with the guys with me And Angela at a hotel in Newcastle as we are always looking at ways to increase the frock fund! We decided after a lot of research that we would run with it and get involved! The next twelve months was starting to look a lot more challenging!

Also on Thursday morning I had had a phone call out of the blue offering me a job interview- finally another chance for me to escape my fevered cabin.

Although a price was to be paid for Tillie's life in the fast lane!

My mother is inclined to the odd psychotic episode and had decided to blow a gasket on the afternoon of my return, ( my crime being that my train was delayed by poor weather and my mobile was out of order..) just the normal stuff, telling the babysitter I was the whore from Hell, swearing in front of the kids and making false accusations of prostitution and parental neglect, she also foolishly insulted Angela over the phone (who she thinks of as a boy and who she has not yet met), She has a Ph.D in Martyrdom and self-flagellation and like most sociopaths is a good Catholic Woman filled with a forever burning Fire and Brimstone- Poor Johnny Animal was so traumatised that in the course of his later afternoon nap, taken after quaffing too much cocoa and caffeine that my Mother in a Cape Fear-esque type scenario appeared in a nightmare as a female Michael Ryan with a sawn off shotgun in hand and was stalking him in the name of The Lord! Her intent to make Johnny beg forgiveness for his role in my moral degradation. Waking with a jolt poor Johnnie was truly quite alarmed!

Angela was so annoyed by my mothers profanities and threats that unbeknownst to me, she got in the car and was driving down to Cheshire to confront her get an apology and face to face and to tell her She was transsexual and Tillie and her good self where planning a lesbian Wedding that would be on the front page of the local Chronicle! The shock would hopefully render my mother permanently speechless. Luckily I managed to dissuade Angela from her confrontation, but I suspect storm clouds are gathering over my mother's bijoux Bungalow of Hate.

1 comment:

  1. Your mother seems VERY similar to mine. :-(