Thursday, 7 January 2010

Tears and tinsel

I existed in a bubble, working on my book store, putting the kids to bed each night and waiting for my late night chats with Judy and Angela. The Internet has an odd way of cocooning you, connected yet alone.

On a recent soiree with Judy, she had told me that she was moving back into her family home - but would have a separate room to her wife, as they were well and truly estranged and waiting to divorce, she wished to support her teenage son and wanted to cut her expenses for rent etc. It seemed to make sense, to help her child, I felt a little uneasy but suppressed the feelings and looked on the bright side, I could not see that we could be parted.

Angela asked for my telephone number so we could chat on the phone occasionally and was proving to be a reliable and straight talking friend. She would tell me exciting and sexual stories - that would have me in a state of mock horror, making me laugh - shrieking with mirth, her laugh echoed mine, I would forget she was a boy, she was very very sincere and needed help to come out of the closet and reach decisions about her own failed marriage. It was in no way a romantic connection, it was like we had always been friends. I looked forward to her calls as Judy never phoned me, except to tell me she was 20 minutes from collecting me for our trips.

In early December she asked is she could call and visit me at home on her way to a business meeting, she wanted to take me for a drink and get to know me better, she had something she needed to tell me. It was a tall handsome young looking guy in a suit that arrived, he was every bit the consummate business man, with his BMW parked on my drive, I knew Angela was beautiful when transformed but was taken aback by how good looking her male side was. Experience in recent times has taught me that very handsome men do make divine t-girls. She arrived with an overnight case. She had asked in her usual inimitable fashion, how far she could go with me? I was adamant, you'll get no further than holding my hand, I was in a good relationship that I honestly felt had a real future... Angela was fine with this she also had a hidden agenda.

We decided to go to the local village pub, outside my house she stood close to me, looking at me smiling, "Can I hold your hand then Tillie?" I was surprised at her obvious delight, it was touching, she explained it was long time since anyone had held her hand or offered him any affection, she was like a lonely but eager teenager, she swung my arm a little "God, this is totally mega" she seemed happy. Something protective stirred in me, she was a contradiction, she had discussed with me on previous evenings a fascination with bondage, being a sissy maid, playing Domme Bitch and dark love, yet she was oddly innocent.

In the pub he sat close to me and told me the story of her life, of how from a teenager who crossdressed she has formed her Angela Persona, who was very real and different in essence and personality to her boy facets.

When we walked home she stopped me under a street lamp and kissed me on the cheek, her lips with soft and full... she told me I was very pretty and was glad she had found me. She wrapped her arms around "you're very special to be able to love people lke me" I stepped back from any intimacy and she made no attempt to get any closer.

Back at home, over glasses of wine, we sat chatting about the twilight world of the trans community and how I had a long history or living with trans people and had studied gender at a post graduate level. Angela did something bizarre, at one pount in the conversation she stopped abruplty "I am uncomfortable" she blurted, she stood, picked me up effortlessly in her arms, one arm supporting my back and one arm under my knees and then lay me down on the sofa, "that's better" she said and lay down beside me "There, now we can talk"... she made no effort to kiss me or make sexual contact with me. "This person just takes whatever they want", I thought.

She started to explained the reason for her visit, she wanted to see what I was really like, she had only seen me fleetingly in Manchester and wanted to really have a serious talk with me. Explaining that she was concerned about my love for Judy and wanted to get me out of a difficult situation. He asked if I valued his opinion as a trusted friend and confidante, I felt that I did and concurred. He said he felt that Judy was lying to me about her marriage, was convinced that I was being used. That I was like a trophy or a mistress. I argued with him that Judy was honest but after a long discussion he forced me to face some obvious pointers
Angela's questions were-----
Jude never phoned me - Why?
If the marriage was over- then why no weekend visits, or in school holidays?
Why was it always linked to business expenses and work?
Why had Jude not invited me to his flat?
Where is the flat? No idea
What part of London exactly? I did not know.
Why did Judy keep vanishing online when we were chatting?
It was staring me in the face, that I had been a stupid fool, yet again.
I couldn't play second fiddle to his wife in London, I had serious issues around my self esteem and as Angela pointed out to me, being his "other woman" would compound my feelings of inadequacy, I deserved more.

I ended the relationship with Judy and she did not protest, although there were bitter tears from us both that Chrsitmas and over the following months. We took it very badly and I was not looking to bound into another man's bed.
On the day I finished it with Judy, my mother called round and asked if I had been crying, I broke down in my kitchen and explained I had had to end my relationship with "Jude" as I had realised he was in a functional marriage and I could not be part of that. My daughter was heartbroken, she had liked him and had been harbouring a secret wish that he would join our family. She said she never wished to see Jude ever again. Angela called that day and was concerned at how heartbroken and hurt I was (I did not expect such a torrent of heartache), and did not understand how I could be so hurt after a fling that had only lasted, in her eyes, for three months. Angela sent me 12 red roses, that day with a note that read "I can make you smile" They did not make me smile, I felt disappointed and very let down. She called me to say she would leave work, drive down from Cumbria and as a friend cheer me up, I told her to destroy my phone number and never ever contact me ever again, I did not want to see her or speak to her, I felt crowded and controlled. My wounds were deep, I wanted to be alone. Angela backed away, she sent one message, it said "I will be here when you need me"

A year down the line, I look back at that time and I think that what happened was that Judy met me on Facebook and we started a flirtation that was based on very solid ground, we fancied each other and we cerebrally connected through a love of books and learning. We enjoyed word play and witty banter, we were amused by each other. If she had told me she lived with her wife and was not single I would not have forged a freindship with her on any level, she knew I mistrusted men. The day she told me she was moving back in with her wife, (I later learnt from several of her friends the flat was ficticious, she had never left the family home) she was trying to get me as close to the truth and attempting I believe to unravel her fibs. Because she did not want to lose me but feared she would if I realised the flat story was a deception. We were doomed to faliure. It broke my heart.

Judy and I are still friends of sorts but have never been able to talk about it as we get upset still, she will always feel Angela took me off her and I will always feel deep down that I was betrayed. Both things are partly true I think. She had got under my skin --- it would take a long time to let go.

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