Sunday, 10 January 2010

a hot date 2009?

After finishing with Judy and pushing Angela away I had to decide what I would do with myself, my career dismantled by my enforced relocation. no female friends, no money to relaunch a "proper" business, I was at ground zero -I craved love and the company of adults, I sat around for a few weeks licking my wounds and generally being rather maudlin and self pitying, genuinely regretting the end of my alliance with Judy but knowing I could not go back. Attachment is a peculiar thing, that you can shed more tears over a three months love affair than either of your decade long relationships. In hindsight the connection that had struck such a very deep chord within me was to do with our IQ's. Even though now a year later we sometimes do not talk for several weeks, there is a remnant of our closeness that will always reside within, she will always feel like an ally in life to me. Perhaps she was symbolic of my own foolishness, my appalling lack of sense when choosing who I love. Once again getting it so catastrophically wrong. The heart can be forever blind in foolish girls like me. For several months every time me and Judy met we would cry, I had never seen a man cry so heartbreakingly as she. Love can be a cold wilderness. The tears of those you lost are a bitter elixer.

I cracked after three weeks, I was getting pressure from admirers on the Internet to go on dates, yet nothing really appealed, my heart was not in it, I missed Judy terribly and wanted to talk to Angela and see how she was getting on with her move from her family home, aware of the pain she would be feeling to leave her 6 year old daughter. I emailed her to say I was feeling less hurt and more logical, would she like to talk? Her forgiveness was immediate, it was apparent we had missed each other. Like Gaius and Caprica6, Angela is like a beautiful Cylon who plants a chip within you and like a secret voice within your mind, starts guiding your decision making processes. Angela's friendship was a structure in my life I needed, I am not born to isolation, I need closeness and devotion otherwise life becomes meaningless. I think they call it being a soft Get.

Angela duly invited me to a trans friendly night club in Northamptonshire in the second week of January, Pink Punters, she was freshly out of the closet and was needing to spread her wings and be with other like minded people who would build up her confidence through their approval and acceptance. Like a young girl who was finally allowed to go out dancing with other grown ups - at last able to be herself and not be questioned or ignored. I had been through the mill and also needed to let my hair down and have some fun.

In our late night discussions, prior to our date she assured me that I would be under no pressure to have sex, although she admitted she did find me hot, I was frank, I would not rule out a level of intimacy with her but would just go with the flow, we were friends and sex would just be a bonus and not something that sealed our fate. Her performance anxiety was worrying to hear, telling me that her wife had convinced her she was a crap kisser, that she was rubbish in bed,would probably end up riding the rapids or not get erect at all. I was constantly needing to reassure her that love making starts with one kiss and the rest should follow naturally, as a woman i am sexually very confident and open minded, and I felt Angela was jumping the gun, she had not had sex in six years, so she was foolish to assume anything at all about a potential new lover. The pressure was well and truly on if the truth be known! She was harbouring fantasies about Bondage, restraint, anal sex and fairly outrageous sub / domme role play with me as her submissive slave. I was terrified but my subversive inner self longed to just submit and also take control of Angela's fears by proving her insecure inner self wrong. Again she marked herself out as a contradiction, cocky, arrogant and confident, yet sexually and emotionally shattered and in need of repair. Both of us asserted a need to take things slowly but seemed to cling to each other in what seemed a fragile and uncertain world.

We booked into the room and started to unpack for about five minutes, "I'm crapping myslef Til' I need to get this out of the way" for the second time in our time together and our second physical meet, he just picked me up and laid me down, on my back,"I'm rock hard" he knelt over me and kissed me, pinned me down, "I own you now Tillie" I must have had a very startled expression at the time--- he started to undress and said I need to know I won't fail"....
The room was full of Lipsy micro dresses, hers, porn star wigs,mink coats, make up, bottles of grenache pink wine, her gadgets and sex toys, unwrapped gifts for me... it was how things would be for months. A heightened sensory distraction- but not emotional.

Our first night together proved Angela wrong in every way - the sex blew my mind, she was generous to a fault and a lover who was imaginative and energetic.

She was so painfully honest at times, on the return in the car he made it very clear, that she was not looking for a heavy involvement and did not want to rush into a serious relationship, she was two days away from leaving her wife and did not want to jump into anything heavy, she was not in love with me, like she had been with her last two wives and did not want to get involved with my three children. At times, she could hurt me to my core, but honesty is better than lies. So here I was with Angela but also free? Neither of us was in love, if either us knew what that meant?

I had found myself an alpha t-girl, who could offer me the sensuality of a girl yet the the benefits of a hetero passion too? I was to be proven very wrong indeed and neither Angela or I had any idea what a wonderful and explosive year lay ahead. We were tentatively placing our feet on a tightrope of fire, like a circus act unlike any other.

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