Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Dull Days and self encouragement

"once again, can't figure out how to post a comment on your blog without signing up for another account of some sort. So, here is my comment to your blog:

Thanks, Tillie. You've pulled back the curtains to your very intimate boudoir, and allowed me to witness willingly but using mindfulness and without a sense of empty voyeurism. Teaching and enlightenment. You have a gift. love A (in Canada).

It is comments like this that make me think that writing the blog is of use and will help others make sense of what is in essence the nonsense of life. It is of importance to me to let people know that my queer love is very very normal whilst I know seemingly very exceptional.

The snow fell heavily again last night, it makes the carless Tillie in me reluctant to leave the house, as I only own footwear of a frivolous or chilly kind. I spent the entire day in bed. Ignoring all the practical and domestic jobs I need to attend to. The harsh weather a cold symbol for my insularity and lack of outward expression. Stuck in a cold stasis. I need to get tough and get out there. The book business is slow right now, and my role as sole provider is lacking a glow of warm and loving domesticity as the bills fall through the door and all three children crave the gadgets and designer clothing of their wealthier peers. Just as Angela tired of going through the motions of acting like a man, I need to become the energetic, creative woman I used to enjoy being. I feel like a half a person and I want to buck myself up. Being maudlin and miserable are characteristics I detest in my self and it is going to stop!
I have been tired and in the doldrums for weeks and need to seriously galvanise myself into action, my only focus at time seems to be Angela's tran-journey and the kids. I am insular and feeling horribly drained... I've been hitting the bottle late at night and I'm all run down again. A plan of great intent and magnitude is called for... it will involve seriously getting my finger out.I need an external focus outside of the home. Other people.

Lets face the major issues here:
Issue: Tillie is bored and wishes she was apple pie Mom... but she never will be.
Action: Go to the job centre and check out the local college website / Go utterly mad and contact Keele University about doing her Ph.d (Continuing her interest in Gender and sexuality).

Issue: You drink too much too often:
Action.... stop again...and again? I know Iam in the company of numerous other women who drink way too much but they won't articulate that or like me struggle to resist that most delicioous of coshes. I think i need to go into rehab (as my GP suggested) to be honest but who will look after my kids. This a real tough one for me and some real support and soul searching needs to be done and probably over a large class of Pinot Grigio when all the kids are safely asleep. The wine late at night is making me fat- this could be a real morivator to stop or seriouosly cut down.

Make a list of your priorities and do a to do list. These actions work. Focus and look to your blessings.

An internet comnnection will be taking me for walk in The Peak District on Sunday and this feels like a good oppurtunity to blow the cobwebs off and recall how fucking beautiful this planet is and to be here seems as good a reason as any to love others and be true unto myself.

The alcohol abuse really makes my writing dull, the words cloying and tacky, I know my full potential is being severly hampered by my own exhaustion and sluggishness.
I'll bounce back.

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